


Nothing Lasts Forever

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, F/M, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-07-12
Updated: 1999-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-11 06:24:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11142717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: After a harrowing escape from an escaped felon, Phil meets Cat Madden, an old friend of Ben's.  During a night of confidences, Phil comes face to face with a ghost from her past.





	Nothing Lasts Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Fellow DueSers

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall and is used in this story with her permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Lyrics from _Funeral Blues_ by W.H. Auden (from Four Cabaret Songs for Miss Heidi Anderson) are used without permission.

Rated PG (some swearing, angst)

Nothing Lasts Forever

By SL Haas

(Copyright May 1997 Revised July 1999)

 

P

hil  
McKenzie dropped her pack on the ground, stretched until she thought  
every bone in her body would pop, then settled down beside her pack,  
and removed a Snickers. While she ate the candy bar, she reviewed the  
work she had accomplished that morning.

If she never saw another slickenside it would be too soon! Six days of measuring scratches on fault traces was...well, at least the first five days hadn't been so bad. Doug Waters, the other structural geologist, had been with her then. But, today, Doug had stayed at camp with a bad case of nausea. _'Probably too much of that apple pie last night!'_ Phil thought as she licked chocolate from her fingers.

She smiled and let her eyes rove over the hillside and the meadow below. She soaked in the quiet solitude of her spot. _'Quit complaining, Phil. You know there's no place else you'd rather be.'_ And it was true--she was doing exactly what she loved to do--working in the out-of-doors trying to understand why the land was the way it was. She had jumped at the chance to be a member of the research team that studied this part of Canada. Was this a previously undiscovered aulocogen or something else? She wanted to answer that question as much as any other person on her research team. She would even work solo if that would put them that much closer to figuring out the geology of the area.

Phil finished her candy bar and took several swallows of water then shouldered her pack again. She looked forward to finishing this outcrop. She could then rejoin the rest of the group and make their way back to camp. _'I wonder what's for dinner tonight? For that matter, I wonder what's for lunch?'_ she thought as she carefully negotiated a rock-strewn slope. Lunches were something of a surprise with their cook. You never knew what you would find in your lunch sack. It had become almost a ritual among the group not to open their lunches until the last moment. No one knew what would be there and, so far, no one had been disappointed.

Working her way back up to the cliff face, she dropped her pack and removed her rock hammer, Brunton compass, and field notebook. She took a step toward the cliff and casually reached inside her coat to pat the pocket of her shirt. She paused a moment and delved into the depths of the pocket. Her hand connected with the flat, circular object that was the goal of her search. Pulling it from the pocket, she opened it and studied the magnetic compass inside. It wasn't the compass that drew her attention as much as the inscription in the lid: 

****

B. Fraser

RCMP

She smiled in recollection of switched compasses that were never returned. Did Ben still have hers? She had carried the small compass with her wherever she went. Having it with her reminded her of Ben and that memory was one she cherished. It was the only reminder of Ben (aside from the ring) she had not consigned to the depths of the file box. For some reason she had felt compelled to keep it with her--just as she had worn his ring around her neck. She ran her thumb over the inscription, then carefully placed the compass back in her pocket.

An hour passed, Phil sat back on her heels and listened to the call of a hawk as it circled in the sky above her. The wind rustled through the trees below her, and, in the distance, she caught the unmistakable sound of voices. She scanned the slope below her but saw no one. Her eyes roamed across the confines of the small valley searching for the source of the voices. There! On the other side of the valley she could make out two small mannequins. From the colors of their coats, Phil recognized Jack Summers and Sara Zelinsky, the two petrologists. 

The two geologists enjoyed a friendly rivalry and were wont to carry their arguments to great lengths and volumes. Phil could tell one such 'discussion' was underway. She shook her head and turned back to her task. Who did they think they were fooling? They were probably the only ones who had **not** noticed the attraction between them. A momentary twinge of envy assailed her and she turned her head and stared off into the distance seeing the face of the one man she had truly loved. Her hand sought the ring beneath her shirt and she stroked its sleek coolness _. 'Why Ben? Why?'_ But there were no answers for her questions and she shook herself determined to get back to her work.

Phil stretched as she approached the end of the outcrop she was measuring. She dropped her pack, took out her equipment, and approached the cliff face once more. As she rounded a large boulder, she did not see the figure that circled around the other side. Her first warning of the other person was the blow that sent her sprawling face down on the ground and the knee that settled into the middle of her back.

"Who are you?" the mystery man asked. His voice was low and clear. It cut like a knife and Phil felt a shiver of fear course down her spine.

Spitting dirt, she turned her face to answer the man. "Dr. Phil McKenzie."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm part of a research group studying these rocks." What could be so harmful in that? She squirmed beneath the knee.

The weight left the center of her back and a hand grasped her hair and jerked her to her feet. "How many are in your group?" The question came from a point too close to her ear for comfort.

"A dozen or so," Phil answered in a broken whisper.

The man paused, scanned across the valley, and growled, "Then we'd better get moving." The shove sent Phil stumbling down the slope.

Phil turned angry eyes to the man but her complaint died in her throat at the gun held in his hand. "Who are you?" she finally asked. "What do you want with me?"

The smile on his face did not reach the steel-grey eyes boring into hers, "You can call me Ross-- Ross Landers and let's just say that I need some insurance and you're just the ticket." 

He motioned with the gun and, with a chill, Phil realized she was in deep trouble. Forced to walk in front of him, when she slowed he prodded her with the gun or shoved her ruthlessly. They carefully made their way to the upper reaches of the valley and to the pass over the ridge.

What was she going to do? Her heart thudded dangerously in her chest as a myriad of possibilities presented themselves--most with her ending up dead. Somehow, some way, she had to get away from this man before it was too late. The farther they went from the others in her group the worse her prospects became. She was unprepared for the sudden arm around her throat and the gun to her head.

"If you make a sound, you're dead. You're only of use to me as long as you cooperate. So, don't be a fool, 'cause I'll kill you and your little friend, too." 

Only then did Phil hear the unmistakable sounds of someone approaching their position. As they hunkered down behind a fallen tree, Phil recognized Todd Grayson. She closed her eyes, and prayed that nothing would happen to the other geologist. It had been at his invitation that Phil had joined the team. They had been friends for many years, ever since they had gone to school together. With relief, she watched Todd turn and move down slope away from their hiding place.

"Let's get moving!" Landers shoved Phil and she fell to her knees. "Get up!" He grabbed her hair and pulled on it.

"I'm getting, just stop pulling my hair." Phil clenched her teeth and struggled to her feet. "You don't have to be so rough." She glared at the man.

Landers stared at the woman before him. The fire in her eyes could have set a house ablaze. He smiled at her; he liked a woman with spunk. Maybe, if she lasted the trip, he would have some fun with her before he disposed of her.

Phil shivered at that smile. What it promised was something she would rather die than face. She would fight him before she ever gave into him. If he let down his guard for one minute, she would lay into him and make her escape. But he never did, and Phil found herself tied to a tree as night descended. 

* * *

It was Doug Waters that spotted Phil's pack. A careful scouring of the area turned up her hammer, compass, and notebook, but of Phil there was no sign. What had happened? Where had she gone?

After lunch, Doug had felt better and decided to join Phil on the outcrop. He radioed but she hadn't answered. _'Probably stuck in some fissure and not able to hear the call!'_ he thought. It didn't take long to locate the spot where they had finished yesterday and a careful search along their planned route of exploration had brought him to the pack. Phil's radio was still safely ensconced inside it. Doug scouted the immediate area looking for Phil. Meeting with failure, he quickly radioed the others in the group and soon they were gathered at the scene of Phil's disappearance.

The group spread out and methodically covered the ground looking for a clue as to what had become of their missing comrade. It was Todd who discovered the signs of a struggle and the two sets of footprints leading away. Realization settled over them. Someone had kidnapped Phil McKenzie. It was a worried group that retraced their steps to their camp. Conversation was desultory and centered on their missing friend. Todd volunteered to drive out for help. If he started immediately he could be at the trailhead in a couple of hours.

* * *

Todd negotiated the narrow rut that passed for a jeep trail and approached the trailhead. He had driven steadily for over 3 hours. In the distance, he caught a glimpse of an overturned vehicle. There were several people milling about the small truck. As he drew nearer he was not surprised to see the group of Mounties clustered around the truck. What he was not prepared to see was the body with the bloody jacket over it. _'Damn! What has happened here?'_ He craned his neck finally deciding that some idiot had tried to take a truck up and over the pass.

At the sound of his approach two of the Mounties rounded on Todd. He slowed to a stop and climbed out of the Landrover. Hastening his steps toward the Mounties, he was talking before he stopped. "You've got to help us. Someone's taken Phil. She's been missing since around noon."

"Slow down, sir." The younger of the two Mounties replied. "Just start from the beginning and tell us what you know."

Todd looked past him to the third Mountie who was examining the pickup truck. His eyes strayed to the body on the ground. "What happened here? Someone couldn't handle the track?"

The second Mountie answered that question. "You're partially correct. We've tracked an escaped prisoner here and, as you can see," he motioned toward the covered body, "he's armed and dangerous. Now tell us what's happened."

Todd nodded and complied, "I'm Dr. Todd Grayson and I'm part of a research group that's working about 15 kilometers in."

"Who's missing?"

"One of our research team disappeared this morning. We found her pack and signs of a struggle. I drove out to get help."

The younger man looked Todd over carefully before turning and calling to the third Mountie, the woman examining the truck. "Sgt. Madden, I think you should hear what this gentleman has to say."

Sgt. Cathy Madden looked up when her constable called then crawled out of the cab of the truck. She dusted her hands off, brushed back her shoulder length brown hair, and approached the three men. Small and compact, many a man had made the mistake of thinking her fragile and treating her as such. Cat was anything but fragile. More like a brick of plastique, small but powerful. "Constable Marchand?" she asked of the young Mountie.

"This is Dr. Todd Grayson." He waited while Cat and Todd shook hands. "He claims one of the members of his research team was apparently abducted this morning."

Cat's eyes widened with the immediate implications of that news. "Where did this happen?" she asked the rugged individual nervously shifting from foot to foot.

"Our base camp is up near Nelson Lake. Phil--Dr. McKenzie--was working about 2 kilometers north of our camp. She didn't respond to a radio call and when Dr. Waters reached her last known location she was gone. We searched and found her pack and some of her equipment, but Dr. McKenzie was gone."

The hairs on the back of Cat's neck prickled. Why did that name strike a familiar chord in her? "She was working alone?"

"Yeah, her partner, Dr. Waters, was sick today and stayed at the base camp. We're so close to finishing our field work...Phil was determined to get a day's worth of work in anyway."

Cat's eyes joined those of her constables. "Sounds like Landers is running true to form." Constables Marchand and Girandeau nodded their heads in agreement.

"Girandeau, you stay here with the body, make your report when the others get here, then send reinforcements after us. Marchand, you're with me. Dr. Grayson, we'll need you to guide us back to your camp."

"You know who has Phil?" From the way the three Mounties spoke, this Landers was not a nice person and, evidently, he had Phil.

"Ross Landers is a convicted murderer. In the course of his smuggling, he has been known to use excessive force." Marchand's voice was grim.

"In plain terms, he kills anyone that gets in his way or he no longer has a use for." Cat believed in cutting right to the heart of the matter.

"So you're saying, he'll kill Phil?" Todd's voice faltered as he began to comprehend the situation as it really was.

"I'm afraid your friend may already be dead. I hope not, but Landers doesn't like to leave any loose ends. If she's still alive, then we have to get to her before her usefulness runs out."

Sgt. Madden and Constable Marchand gathered their packs, making sure that ample emergency supplies were included. Todd climbed back into the Landrover and, using a wider spot in the track, turned it around, picked up the two Mounties, and headed back toward camp.

* * *

It was cold and the ground was hard. Her back was one steady ache but Phil gritted her teeth and struggled to her feet when Landers ordered her up. She shivered and stared at the man that had so abruptly entered his life. She rubbed her raw wrists, evidence of her unsuccessful attempts to loosen her bonds. "Nature calls...do you mind?"

Landers smiled. "Go right ahead, Missy...but just so you don't take a notion in your head to run off, I'll be right here to make sure nothing happens."

Phil waited for him to turn away but Landers simply stared at her. "Are you going to watch me?"

Landers continued to smile. "Can't have you doing something I might regret. Now can I? You take care of business or don't...it makes no difference to me." He shrugged and waited.

Phil had little choice in the matter. She slowly edged around some brush that afforded some privacy and relieved herself as quickly as possible. She was ever conscious of the steel-grey eyes that watched her every movement. Straightening up, she fastened her jeans then massaged her aching back. She tried to stretch some of the soreness out but the cold and the hard ground had combined to create a deep seated ache that would last for days--if she lived that long.

Phil's stomach chose that time to growl. She could handle doing without food for awhile, but she could use a drink of water. She took a sip from her canteen but that did not prevent another growl from occurring. "Do you have anything to eat, Mr. Landers?"

Landers grinned and a feral look entered his eyes. "What are you willing to give me for it?"

Phil studied the features of the man in front of her. He was handsome in any woman's book but his looks left her cold. She preferred her men tall, dark-headed with glacier blue eyes; not tall and blond-headed--and those eyes-cold as the steel-grey of his gun. "I'm sorry, Mr. Landers. I have nothing I'm willing to give you."

He grinned, pulled a ration bar from his pack, and took a bite. Rather than watch him taunt her with the food, Phil turned her back on him and closed her eyes. Her hand strayed to the breast of her shirt and she stroked the compass in her pocket _. 'Ben, I wish you were here to help me out of this predicament. I don't know what to do...I'm scared, Ben. I'm really scared,'_ she thought. Why was she calling on her long-lost love to help her? Why not one of her brothers or one of the members of the research group? Why? Because Ben Fraser was the one man who could get her out of this situation alive. She knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But Ben wasn't here, hadn't been here for over 11 years. Ben couldn't help her out of this situation. She collapsed onto the ground and began laughing. It was all a big joke. It had to be...life couldn't be this cruel.

"What do you find so funny, Missy?" Landers grabbed her hair and jerked her head back.

Phil laughed and the bleakness in her eyes was all too apparent to Landers. She shook her head not caring how it pulled her hair. "I was just laughing at this situation. You know I was engaged to a Mountie once, but when I needed him, he deserted me--left me high and dry. And now when I really need him--where is he?" Phil laughed again.

Landers stared down at the woman on the ground. All the women he had known had been clinging, possessive types. Give them some money, a few trinkets, and they were happy. They were also disposable. He smirked. It looked like this woman was no different and when she got too demanding her Mountie had disposed of her. Now, however, she was his. He began to anticipate the conclusion of his trek with the woman. He licked his lips and let his eyes roam over her body. Yes, he definitely looked forward to the end of this hike! He tightened his grip on her hair and pulled her face to his. Crushing her lips with his, he callously kissed her.

The disgust that coursed through her as Landers kissed her brought shudders to her frame. As he pulled back from her face, Phil slashed with the side of her hand, but he ducked and the blow landed on his shoulder. He backhanded her, and she lay on the ground nursing her split lip. Hatred burned in her eyes as she glared up at the man who stood over her. He grinned down at the woman at his feet. His shoulder ached and he rubbed it. Yes, he would definitely enjoy taking her down a notch.

Not liking what she saw in his eyes, Phil slowly struggled back to her feet. She grimaced as a sharp pain shot through her back. The tumble to the ground had not helped her backache at all.

"What's the matter, Missy?" He wasn't going to pamper her no matter how much he desired her.

"Nothing you need concern yourself with. I hurt my back years ago and it gives me trouble now and then." She turned away from the man. "Which way?"

They hiked for several hours, Phil looking for any opportunity to make her escape. The ache in her back dulled until it was manageable, but it sapped her energy and slowed her reflexes. Using that as an excuse, she hiked slower than her normal ground-consuming pace--anything to slow their progress away from help. Landers might have suspected her had he know Phil's capabilities, but his experience with women did not run to the self-sufficient type. He attributed her slowness to the lack of stamina and general weakness of the women he had known. That's what made them disposable.

Still, there must be something different about this woman. Here she was--in the middle of nowhere... Landers watched her and his vigilance prevented Phil from making her move. Never close enough to practice what TJ had taught her of self-defense, when he did close the distance he watched her like a hawk or gave her a quick shove between the shoulder blades. The next time he did that, Phil vowed to turn on him regardless of what happened--her caution overridden by her anger and helplessness.

Phil struggled up a steep incline sending rocks and dirt down onto Landers. If she could just dislodge a rock big enough and send it crashing down on the man below...but the rocks large enough to do the damage she wanted were steadfast in their refusal to loosen from the earth. She finally reached the crest of the incline and clambered to her feet. Maybe she could surprise Landers before he reached the top. She froze as she stood erect. Landers followed her and, as was his custom, shoved her in the back to get her moving. Phil collapsed forward onto the ground and rolled into a ball, her hands covering her head. 

"Get up, you fucking bitch!" Landers aimed a booted foot at her and as his boot connected he heard the low growl from the bushes to his left. Landers raised his head and watched the bear rear up on its hind legs and growl again. 

"Shit!" he reached for his gun as he watched the bear drop to all fours and lumber towards him. Phil was forgotten as the bear charged. His hand on his gun, he drew it and fired a shot in the direction of the bear. Whether or not he hit the animal was moot; it was on him before the report died.

Phil lay on the ground protecting her head. She grunted in pain when Landers kicked her but did not change her position. She saw everything from her place on the ground. When she topped the slope she saw the bear cub and paused to find its mother. That's when Landers shoved her. Not knowing where the mother was, Phil did the safest thing she could think of--play dead. It was left to Landers to discover the mother bear or, rather, for the mother bear to discover Landers too close to her cub. The enraged animal charged the man. The sharp burning pain in the bear's shoulder only increased her rage.

Landers was bowled over as the bear took her vengeance against the creature that threatened her cub. Too busy with the one she had, the bear did not notice the other one slowly uncurl and crawl away.

Phil crawled toward the brush where the bear had been. Once masked from view, she carefully rose to her feet, nursing her back, and slowly moved away from the bear and its victim. She kept low only sticking her head up long enough to verify that the bear was still occupied with Landers. She felt sick but could not indulge in that feeling at the moment. She had to get away before the bear decided to take care of her, too.

Finally, Phil found herself behind a large tree. _'What would Ben do?'_ she questioned herself. She smiled, licked her finger, and stuck it into the air. Good, she was downwind of the bear. Her scent wouldn't be carried to the animal _._

'I hope she tears him limb from limb!' Phil thought with some satisfaction.

Steadying herself one last time against the tree, Phil scanned the direction she had just come--no bear or Landers in sight. She looked around again. Nothing looked familiar, but that was to be expected. Landers had kept them moving with little rest. She could be anywhere from 10 to 20 miles from her base camp. She dug into her shirt pocket and retrieved the small compass. Flipping it open, her thumb grazed the inscription. Somehow it calmed her. 

Landers had steadily traveled south, so she needed to travel north to get back to the camp. Better get started before the bear or Landers found her. If she were in luck, she would come across someone in the group as they searched for her. She had no doubts that as soon as they realized she was gone they had started searching for her. She ran from the scene as fast as her back would allow. She had no wish to hang around for either the bear or Landers to come after her.

Phil continued running, stopping occasionally to catch her breath and find her bearings, all the while keeping a watch out for Landers. She hoped the bear had taken care of that problem. A small niggling of remorse crossed her mind, but she ruthlessly shoved it aside as she remembered the cold, calculating look in his eyes each time he had studied her. She knew what he had planned for her and she was thankful the bear had spared her that fate.

Slowing her pace, Phil pulled the compass from her pocket once more. She took a reading and adjusted her course. She hurried across the small clearing anxious to get back to her group. She'd probably have to drive out and report the incident to the local RCMP post. That would mean at least a day lost on top of what had already been lost as she traveled with Landers. Her mind on other things, she momentarily lost track of her footing. As she skirted a stand of brush, her foot broke through some rotting timbers and she pitched forward into the shaft of an abandoned mine. Her last conscious thought: surprise and chagrin, then darkness claimed her.

* * *

Cat's head snapped up. The two Mounties stopped and listened intently. 

"That sounded like a gun," Marchand muttered.

Cat nodded agreement. "Sounds like it came from the direction of Wheeler's Ridge. I have a bad feeling about this."

Marchand agreed quickly. "I didn't expect Landers to dispose of his hostage this quickly."

"I had hoped he would keep her longer. Why did he take her if he wasn't going to use her? There's no one here to stop him and a hostage could only delay him. It doesn't make sense." Cat shook her head. She had hoped to find the hostage alive, but that didn't seem likely now.

Three hours later, Cat and Marchand stood over what had once been Ross Landers. The bear had granted Phil's fervent wish. Landers would not track her down. In fact, he wouldn't track anyone ever again. Both Mounties had seen bear attacks but the ferocity of this one was something they didn't care to see again. 

"He must have shot at the bear," Marchand commented as he used what was left of Lander's jacket to cover what remained of Lander's face.

"From the violence of the attack, he must have grazed her." Cat busily studied the patterns of tracks in the small area. Glancing at Marchand, she squinted her eyes. "Looks like she had a cub."

"Any sigh of the hostage?" Marchand scanned the slope about them.

Cat surveyed the ground. Some of the bear prints were scuffed--as if something had dragged over them. She stood and followed the scuffed prints to the screen of brush. It was there that the first indications of Phil's continued existence showed itself. Imprinted over the bear's tracks was a set of boot prints. 

"Over here, Marchand. Looks like Dr. McKenzie crawled away from the scene, then climbed to her feet as soon as she was out of sight." Cat was impressed with the levelheaded response shown by the missing woman.

The two Mounties followed the impressions of Phil's boots to the tree. From there, they traced her lengthening stride away from the attack scene. Cat shaded her eyes and scanned the area. Turning her attention back on Marchand, she said, "We'll send someone back in for Landers after we find Dr. McKenzie and return her to her group."

The two Mounties followed Phil's trail. After a while, Cat motioned with her hand. "She's maintaining a northerly direction--my guess is she has a compass and is using that to navigate back in the direction they came." 

Marchand pulled a map out of his pack. "If that's the case then we might be able to cut some time off of our pursuit if we drop down into the valley and try to cut her off when she leaves the ridge."

Cat studied the track they were following. Something wasn't quite right. She had this itchy feeling running up and down her spine. "No, I think we'll continue following her trail. I...uh..." It was hard to explain the feeling she had, but she **knew** they would not find Dr. McKenzie if they abandoned the ridge in favor of the valley floor.

Marchand watched his superior officer. He had worked with Sgt. Madden for over two years and he was familiar with her episodes of 'insight.' "Got a feeling, Sir?"

Cat turned startled eyes to regard her constable. "Now how did you know that?" she asked.

"I've worked with you long enough to be able to tell when you've picked up on something everyone else has missed. It's sort of like a sixth sense, right?"

Cat searched Marchand's eyes looking for mockery or laughter but, finding none, she nodded. "It's something like that. I've had it all my life." She turned her attention to the trail before them. "Something is telling me that we need to stay with this trail and not try to outguess Dr. McKenzie."

Marchand sighed and scratched at his neck. "That's good enough for me." His long measured stride carried him away from Cat. She scrambled to catch up with him.

* * *

They were close. Cat could feel it. They had lost the trail in the trees they had left behind. She scanned the clearing looking for indications that Dr. McKenzie had passed this way. The tingling was almost overwhelming. _'She should be here!'_ was telegraphed up and down her spine. Cat stopped and slowly turned in a circle--no sign of the missing scientist. Gauging the lengthening shadows, she knew the afternoon was well on the way to being gone.

Marchand stopped a few paces ahead of her and watched Cat. "What is it, Sir?"

Cat made another circle, searching each and every rock, tree, bush--searching for the missing woman. Her senses screamed that the woman was nearby. Frustration gnawed at Cat's composure. "Damn it, Marchand. She should be here! I can feel her presence but I can't see her."

Marchand retraced his steps and placed a hand on Cat's arm. "Calm down, Sergeant. We'll find her."

"I know we will, but it's so frustrating..."

Marchand nodded his head in agreement. "You say she's nearby?"

Cat nodded. "I can feel her..."

Marchand removed his pack and withdrew the map from its depths. Cat knelt on the ground beside him. They both studied the map laid out on the ground before them. Cat indicated a spot on the map. "We're approximately here. What's that?" She pointed to a symbol on the map near their estimated position.

Marchand picked up the map and peered intently at it. "It's a mine." He settled back on his heels and glanced at Cat. "According to this map there are several in this area."

Cat took the offered map from Marchand. "Clearwater Basin--wasn't that the sight of a short-lived silver rush?"

Marchand nodded. "Turns out there wasn't much silver. Just enough to get some fools thinking of instant wealth!" Disgust flavored his remark.

Cat stood and peered in the direction Dr. McKenzie had steadily moved. Things suddenly made sense. Moving carefully, ever vigilant of her footing, Cat slowly covered the terrain of the small clearing. Rounding a stand of brush, her foot landed on something that felt wrong. Scrambling backward, Cat saw the rotting timbers of an abandoned mineshaft. Another step and she would have fallen into it. Every fiber in her body screamed that message to her: FALLEN INTO IT.

Cat dropped her pack and edged as close to the shaft as possible. Marchand joined her but neither could see anything in the darkened opening. 

Marchand quickly removed some of the timbers. Cat joined him and, soon, a space was cleared opening onto the shaft. Cat and Marchand crowded the edge blocking what little sunlight shone down into the hole. They could make out the floor of the shaft about four meters below. One side of the shaft had caved in and several timbers littered the floor. Of Dr. McKenzie, there was no sign.

Cat sat back on the lip of the shaft. "I felt sure we'd find her in there." She buried her face in her hands, anger and frustration building. She rocketed to her feet. Dr. McKenzie had to be here somewhere. She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Dr. McKenzie!" She waited a moment then shouted again.

"Sergeant!" Cat turned. Marchand still knelt on the lip of the shaft; the beam of a flashlight aimed into the abandoned mine.

* * *

Phil drew in a shaky breath and coughed as she inhaled dirt and dust from the floor of the shaft. She lay quietly for a moment assessing her aches and pains. Nothing seemed to hurt--as long as she didn't make the mistake of trying to move. She turned her head, dirt and small rocks rained down on her. She coughed again. Damn! Dirt had its place on this planet but it wasn't in her lungs! She coughed again and tried to breathe as shallowly as possible to avoid inhaling any more dust. She managed to draw a hand to her face and wipe away most of the offending material, but her other hand refused to answer her summons. She tried again--yes! She could wiggle her fingers, but move the arm? No way! Something pinned it securely to the floor of the shaft.

Okay...right arm mobile, left arm pinned, can rotate head--she did so to prove her point, burying her face in the dirt beneath her as she did so. Damn! Why did she have to land on her face? She grimaced as she spit out the dirt that had worked its way into her mouth. What else still functioned? The dull ache in her back reminded her of possible trauma to her spine. She shied away from testing that supposition, just yet. She already knew, from past experience, that the fall she had taken could have injured her back and it was best to leave it alone for the time being. Instead she concentrated on her legs sending messages to each limb to move. Right leg--no answering movement...she closed her eyes and concentrated on that leg. What did she feel? Heaviness the entire length but localized around her ankle. She tried to wiggle her toes. Pain shot up the leg and set her mind on fire. When the jolt of pain subsided, Phil drew in a shaky breath not caring whether she inhaled dust or not. Okay...right arm mobile, left arm pinned, can rotate head, right leg buried--ankle sprained (she hoped). She hesitated to test the left leg fearful of another painful experience. But she had to know before she could plan her escape. With some trepidation she sent the wiggle message to her left foot. Yes! Faint, but unmistakable, she could feel her toes moving inside the confines of her boot. The leg, however, would not move. Carefully twisting her body, ever conscious of her back she peered down the visible portion of her body. The same timber that had her left arm pinned also lay across her left leg.

Phil laid her face back down on the floor of the shaft taking shaky gasps of dusty air into her lungs. What did it matter if she choked on the dust? She wasn't going anywhere soon. She was well and truly trapped! Momentarily blinded by panic, she struggled to wrench herself free of the confining timber. Pain arced through her body and the spinning blackness that had hovered on the edge of her senses rolled over and consumed her.

Something called to her--something she needed to answer. Phil fought the clinging blackness and struggled to find her way back to the light. Turning her head slightly she coughed as the dust choked her. She heard her name called. It seemed like it came from miles away. She coughed again. "I...I'm here," she managed to call before the spinning darkness claimed her again.

"There...by that timber!" Cat followed Marchand's instructions and the play of the flashlight across the dusty floor. Finally, she saw the hand partially buried in the dirt. Following the orientation of the hand, she traced the arm to the body trapped beneath one of the timbers on the floor of the shaft. Covered by dirt, Dr. McKenzie was nearly invisible in the beam of the flashlight.

Cat rummaged through her pack and removed her 2-way radio. Repeated attempts to contact someone met with static and she soon gave up. She looked again to the sky. "Damn, damn, damn! We're going to have to move quickly to free her before daylight runs out. Let's see what we can do to move that timber."

Carefully they tied a rope to a nearby stump and lowered themselves into the shaft. Working together, they freed Phil from the timber that pinned her to the floor. She regained consciousness briefly as the timber was lifted, but lost it when Cat and Marchand began the task of extracting her right leg from the debris. Darkness crept upon the duo as they worked to extract Phil from the mine.

* * *

Phil slowly regained consciousness to the sensation of gentle hands prodding her body. She lay complacent and let the hands move down her body, but when the hands reached her ankle the pain brought a moan to her lips. Her eyes fluttered open to gaze into the concerned eyes of the woman leaning over her. 

"Looks like the ankle is broken." 

The woman turned to the man who had delivered that assessment. "Anything else?"

"Aside from some bruises and contusions...nothing that's readily apparent."

Cat turned back to the woman, using her hand to brush the short hair out of the woman's face. The eyes that gazed back at her were dulled with pain. "You've got a broken ankle, Dr. McKenzie. Are you in any other pain?"

Phil mentally assessed her condition. Her ankle was killing her and her back ached, but other than that...nothing noteworthy. "My back aches but that's about it." She ran her tongue over her lips. "Do you have any water?"

Cat helped Phil drink from the canteen Marchand handed her. "Thank you kindly." Phil sighed. "You seem to know who I am...who are you?" 

"I'm Sgt. Catherine Madden, RCMP, and this is Constable Will Marchand. We've been tracking Landers..."

Phil jerked and tried to sit up but stopped as pain shot through her. Cat pressed her back down onto the ground. "Landers?" Phil queried breathlessly.

Cat shook her head. "He won't bother you again."

"The bear?"

Cat nodded. She turned to Marchand when she felt his hand on her arm. She read the message in his face. "Dr. McKenzie, we're going to have to set your ankle. This is going to hurt..."

* * *

A little over an hour had passed since Marchand had left. Realistically, Cat reasoned, help would not reach them until sometime tomorrow. She stirred the embers of the small fire as she stared at the woman stretched out on the ground across from her. Wary eyes met hers. Reaching for the small kettle she poured two cups, scooted around the fire, and offered one to the woman. "Chamomile tea."

Phil gratefully accepted the tea from the Mountie--Sgt. Catherine Madden. Why did that name have a familiar ring to it? Phil watched the woman settle onto the ground beside her. She resisted the urge to try and sit a little straighter. Her back wouldn't permit that nor would her broken ankle. She took a tentative sip of the tea, smiled, and took a bigger swallow. She sighed contentedly. "This tastes wonderful, Sgt. Madden, and thanks for the rations. I haven't eaten since..."

"...since you met Landers." Cat watched Phil drink the tea and noted the gasp of pain as Phil adjusted her position. "I'm sorry I don't have anything stronger, Dr. McKenzie. Something to help dull the pain."

Phil shook her head. "Call me Phil and, please, don't apologize. I'm not much of a drinker." She smiled, "Can't hold my liquor."

"Only if you call me Cathy," she smiled back. She knew the woman had to be in considerable pain.

Phil's hands shook as another shaft of pain shot through her back. She smiled unsteadily at the Mountie and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have some aspirin, would you?"

"Now that **is** something that I can get you." Cat dug through her pack for the small first aid kit. Her hand slid across the smooth surface of the small compass she had found near Dr. McKenzie's hand. She slipped it into the pocket of her coat. Rummaging through the first aid kit, Cat removed the bottle of aspirin.

She watched Phil wash the tablets down with her tea, then lean back and close her eyes. "Dr. McKenzie...Phil, open your eyes. You need to stay awake."

"I know, Sgt. Mad...Cathy. It's just...I'm so tired." Phil's voice was shallow and unsteady.

Cat needed something that would occupy Phil's mind, keep her focused on staying awake. "I found something. I think it may be yours." She removed the compass from her coat pocket, flipped it open, and read the inscription in the lid once more: 

****

B. Fraser

RCMP

How many B. Fraser's could there be in the RCMP?

Phil saw the glint of the firelight on the small object held in Cat's hand and instinctively reached for it. Cat handed it back to her and watched as Phil stroked the inscription before closing the lid and placing it in the pocket of her shirt. "I thought I had lost that...thank you for finding it." Phil lowered her eyes. "It belonged to someone I once knew." She was glad that Ben's compass had not been lost--another part of him gone from her life.

"B. Fraser? RCMP?" As much as she wanted to, she would not question Phil about who this B. Fraser was, but her sixth sense was working over time.

Phil smiled crookedly and briefly dwelt on Ben's finely sculptured features. "Yeah, Benton Fraser, RCMP. I knew him a long time ago." More than that need not be said.

Things started to click for Cat. "Tall, dark headed, devastating blue eyes in a face..."

"...that makes your heart beat so fast you think you're going to die..." Phil paused and stared at Cat. 

Cat stared at Phil.

"Are you...?" 

"You're...?" they asked simultaneously. Realization crackled in the silence between the two women.

"Are you Cat Madden, Ben's friend?" Cat nodded. Phil closed her eyes then opened them, "Ben told me about you."

"Just as he told me about you. You **are** Phil McKenzie, aren't you? Ben's Phil?"

Bitterness tinged the laugh that escaped from Phil's lips. "Not any more--but once, a long time ago, I was."

Cat heard the bitterness and knew its source. "Victoria."

Phil locked eyes with Cat. "You know about her?"

Cat nodded her head. "When he first told me about her I could see a change in him." How could she explain to this woman about the changes she had seen in Ben--changes that had frightened her? She stared at the contents of her cup then continued, "It worried me and I warned him about her, but he wouldn't listen. He was obsessed with her--couldn't see her for what she was. I told him she was evil--that nothing good would come of this obsession with her." 

She paused thinking back to that time over 10 years ago. "I've never seen him like that. It was like...like she had blinded him to everyone and everything. He wouldn't listen to reason." Her eyes sought Phil's. "The only thing that got through to him was when I reminded him of his commitment to you. The shock and guilt on his face was almost painful. I thought that his love for you would break the hold that bitch had on him but..."

"...but it didn't."

Cat sighed then shook her head. "No, it didn't. When she was sentenced to prison, he came to me looking for comfort and sympathy. I couldn't give it to him--not for **that** woman. I told him that." Cat buried her face in her hands. 

Minutes passed before she exhaled sharply then straightened. In a calmer voice she continued, "I was so angry with him. How could he love that woman..." she captured Phil's eyes with her own, "when he had you." Cat shook her head in disbelief. "He was so in love with you. I had never seen him so happy. You have no idea how much your love changed him. When I first met him he was so isolated-so alone. He held himself aloof from others--never allowing himself to get close to anyone. It was like he was searching for something but he didn't know what it was. When he returned from the States I could tell that something had changed. He had found what he was searching for."

"Then why did he leave me for Victoria?" Phil had asked herself that question so many times she had lost count.

"I don't know, Phil. I truly don't know and I don't think he does either." When she spoke again, he voice was distant. "When he told me he had broken your engagement, I yelled at him. I mean I **really** tore into him. That bitch had him all tied up in a knot. He still loved you, but he thought he loved her more." She paused again, "He was so confused. I was the only person he felt he could turn to and I...I chewed him out royally! I felt like such a heel. So, I held him and comforted him as he mourned for you **and** that woman. He was devastated."

"I bet he was!" Phil closed her eyes recalling the events of Ben's betrayal with bitterness. It had mellowed over the years, but the hurt was still there. It beat with the pain in her body. Phil's eyes flew open as Cat's hand shook her arm. 

"He was, Phil. He was confused, not knowing what had happened to himself--knowing he had thrown your love away and still entrapped by the spell of that bitch." She leaned towards Phil, entreaty in her eyes. "Don't be too hard on him, Phil. He's been hard enough on himself."

Phil sipped from her tea. Why was she suddenly so down on Ben? Hadn't she worked through her anger and pain years ago? But what about Lindy? What about the daughter he had never known? That was perhaps the one thing she couldn't forgive him--not being there when she needed him. Sitting the cup down beside her, she turned her head and stared off into the darkness. A wave of drowsiness washed over her and she closed her eyes. She needed to rest her eyes. She was so tired.

"Phil, wake up!" 

The shaking was incessant. Phil opened her eyes to see Cat kneeling over her. 

"Phil, you have to stay awake. You're bordering on shock. Do you understand?"

Phil nodded, "Understood." Cat chuckled. "What's so funny?"

Cat smiled. "That's what Ben would have said." Phil smiled also. "We need to keep talking to help you stay awake."

Phil ran a hand across her forehead. "Yeah, okay. So what shall we talk about?"

"Tell me about you and Ben." It was a story Cat had wanted to hear for years. She knew Ben's side but now she wanted to know Phil's.

"Why?" Phil warily asked.

"Because that is a subject we both have in common and, frankly, there are things I'd like to ask you about him?"

There were things Phil would like to ask Cat about Ben, too. Ben had spoken highly of Cat and the relationship they had shared. "Only if you tell me about **you** and Ben."

"Agreed." Cat poured some more tea in Phil's cup and handed it to her. Only after Phil had swallowed a couple of sips did she settle back in her place beside the recumbent woman.

"How much did Ben tell you about us?" Phil asked.

Cat's mouth curved with tenderness. "You'd be surprised how much he actually talked about you. You know he really loved you."

Phil shook her head and immediately regretted it. "I doubt that, Cat, otherwise he wouldn't have left me. I could never quite believe that he really cared for me as much as he claimed. When he asked me to marry him, I couldn't believe it." Biting her lip, she looked away. A moment later she turned her face back to Cat. "So, it really came as no surprise when he ditched me for another woman. I just didn't think it would hurt as much as it did." Phil paused and the sadness in her eyes reminded Cat of the times she had seen the same look in Ben's eyes.

Phil ran her hand across her forehead grimacing at the feel of her dirty hair. At least it wouldn't take forever to get it clean. She looked at Cat's expectant face but she wasn't quite ready to relive her memories just yet. "Why don't you tell me about your experiences first. After all, you knew him before I did."

Cat acquiesced and told Phil of the time many years ago when Ben had rescued a kitten and brought it to her for care. Time passed as she watched Phil carefully never letting her drift off into unconsciousness.

"I guess you could say that I was Ben's first love. He was so different from the other men I knew. We met briefly during our time at the Academy, but I really didn't get to know him. I worked with his father a couple of times, but until he showed up on my doorstep with that kitten, I didn't know Ben Fraser. After that I discovered what a special man he really was. You know what I mean?"

Phil nodded slowly. "There was always something different about Ben. He made you feel important--special."

"Exactly!" The two women shared a companionable silence as each remembered the unique man that had entered their lives. Cat continued, "Anyway we started talking and discovered we had many things in common. He visited often and before long I invited him into my bed."

Phil's eyes widened. "You what?"

In spite of herself, Cat chuckled. "That's the same reaction I got from Ben the first time I propositioned him. He turned beet-red and stammered something before he politely said good-bye and left. Very quickly, I might add." 

Picturing the man she had loved so deeply, Phil laughed softly.

Cat shrugged her shoulders in mock resignation. "I couldn't help it. I was attracted to him. There should be a law against any one man getting such a large dose of good looks."

"I couldn't agree more!" Phil had felt the same way. "So, what happened? He must have come back."

"Yes he did, but not for almost a month. I'd about given up on him. I had such a broken heart." Her eyes twinkled and Phil grinned.

"I'll just bet you did." Phil's mouth quirked up with humor.

"Well, let's just say that if he hadn't shown up soon, I would have gone looking for him. There's something about him that drew my interest." 

Phil smiled to herself lost in her memories of her long ago love. She had felt that same drawing. 

"Anyway, I shamelessly pursued him and finally caught him." Cat finished her story.

"Now, Cat, that's not what Ben told me!" In fact Ben's story had been quite different.

"Hey! Whose story is this anyway? If I said I chased him and caught him, then I did. Okay?" Cat wagged a finger in Phil's face.

Phil solemnly nodded her head but her eyes shone with suppressed laughter. "If you say so!" She felt a kinship with this stranger--something more than just a shared lover.

Cat glared at her. "I **do** say so!" The two women chuckled. "Anyway, I finally broke through his resistance and that polite..." she paused.

"...that polite _'I have no idea what you're insinuating'_ attitude?" Phil supplied the rest of the sentence.

"You've seen it too?" Phil nodded and they shared another common memory of Benton Fraser.

"Anyway, we fell in love." A gentle look passed across Cat's face as she recalled moments of love and shared intimacy with Ben. She sighed then shook her head. In a voice filled with tenderness she asked, "Can you imagine the surprise I felt when I found out he was a virgin?" She paused and the tender expression changed to one of anxiety. What was she doing telling Phil that she and the man Phil had been engaged to had been lovers? "Does that bother you? Knowing that Ben and I were lovers?"

Phil considered the question. She shifted slightly to ease the aching in her back. Did it bother her knowing that Ben had loved another woman before her? No, in fact, she would have been surprised if he hadn't. She smiled to herself, but they **were** talking about Ben Fraser and his reactions to women were not the ones you would expect from someone with his phenomenal looks. No, what hurt was the knowledge that Ben had loved another woman **after** her.

She glanced at the woman seated beside her. Her lips curved into her characteristic lopsided smile. "No, Cat. It doesn't bother me. Ben told me a lot about you. I will admit that at times I was jealous of his relationship with you. I didn't see how I could ever live up to his image of you. He told me that he loved you but that you had finally shown him that there were different kinds of love." 

Glancing down at her hands, she continued, "He also told me that you were the one that taught him how to love a woman." Closing her eyes, she whispered brokenly, "You taught him well." The memories of the nights of passion in Ben's arms flooded her thoughts. A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. She wiped at it leaving a track of dirt across her face. She smiled shakily at Cat. "I'm sorry, Cat. I can't seem to think about Ben without getting emotional."

Cat watched Phil struggle with her emotions. Something tickled the back of her mind and she blurted, "You still love him, don't you?"

Startled, Phil quickly denied it. "No, I just have moments of regret..." ...and moments of intense longing coupled with equally intense pain.

Cat observed the real anguish on Phil's face, her intuition telling her that Phil was simply denying the truth. She still loved Benton Fraser, but would never admit it to herself much less anyone else. Cat smiled to herself. So this was the woman that Ben had fallen in love with. Was she jealous of that? No. As Ben had told Phil, they shared a different kind of love. In fact, Cat found herself liking this woman.

Everything made sense now. After that last episode with Victoria when Ben had been shot, he had sought her refuge again. Only this time Ben had poured out his heart to Cat, how he had finally realized the mistake he had made with Victoria--the mistake of leaving Phil. He was finally, truly over that bitch but it was too late for the love he really wanted, needed. Phil was gone and he was so lonely. Cat held him and comforted him and helped him face his future. 

At the time she had no answers for him only the feeling that things would eventually work out for him. She advised him to have patience and take each day one at a time. If love should come again, he'd be ready for it and would not mistake passion or obsession for it. Even his flirtation with Inspector Thatcher had not been serious. He finally realized, with Cat's help, that he was trying to substitute Thatcher for the woman he really loved. She watched Phil take another sip of tea. Maybe life was about to hand Ben and Phil a second chance at love. Maybe...

Cat studied the face turned to her. She could tell Phil was tiring again. "We still maintain a close relationship. We love each other, but not the _'till death do us part'_ kind of love. He gave that love to someone else and it wasn't Victoria!" She watched Phil's eyes widen in comprehension. "So, now it's your turn. Tell me about your relationship with Ben. He told me many things about you but you know how he is."

Phil nodded her head in understanding. "Tight as a clam! When it comes to something personal he...he..." she sighed and closed her eyes. She really didn't want to talk about that summer 12 years ago. Nothing but hurt could come of it. _'Ben, why did you leave me?'_ the familiar litany echoed in her mind.

"Phil, open your eyes." Cat leaned across and shook Phil.

Phil opened her eyes and a look of confusion crossed her features. "I'm sorry, Cat. I must have phased out."

"That's one way to put it. Talking will help focus your thoughts on staying awake. Now, about your story, Ben said you had many stories, so tell me **this** one."

Phil nervously twisted her hands together. "You're really going to force me to relive that part of my life?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why is it so important that I tell you about my relationship with Ben?" She didn't want to relive the pain and heartbreak of her relationship with Ben. Why couldn't Cat understand that?

"Perhaps because you've never really shared it with someone." Intuition told Cat this.

Wariness entered Phil's thoughts. How did Cat know that? It was true; she had never shared the whole sordid mess with anyone. Her brothers knew bits and pieces but she had avoided telling them most of it. She didn't want their pity. Their sympathy was bad enough. Though at times, especially with TJ, it helped get past particularly depressing episodes. But how did Cat know that?

"Okay. But understand this, Cat, I don't want your sympathy or pity. I've worked through my feelings long ago and I've learned to live without Ben in my life. I don't drag his memories up and wallow in self-pity. In fact, this is the first time I've really talked about him since..." since Lindy's death. She turned her head to stare off into the darkness. "I just fell in love with the right man at the wrong time."

"Phil, believe me. I understand what you're saying. Don't worry, I won't belittle your feelings by pitying you. However, I can and do sympathize with your loss. Perhaps because I know how it affected Ben." Phil turned her head to regard Cat. "Now...your story?" Cat busied herself preparing some more tea. 

Phil watched the actions of the woman who had entered her life. What were the odds that of all the Mounties in Canada she should come in contact with the one that knew Ben intimately? Why was she frequently reminded of him and the love that they once shared? Why couldn't she forget him and get on with her life? She accepted the fresh cup of tea and readied herself for her story. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. After all, Cat knew Ben. Maybe she could help answer some of the questions that had plagued her all these years. Maybe then she could finally put Ben's memories to rest.

Phil's voice was soft and husky as she began her story. "I met Ben in the summer of 1984. He was a trainee in our rescue program--a very green trainee." She went on to tell of the rescue in Thunder Basin where she saved Ben's life.

Cat drank from her own cup of tea. "I remember him telling me about that. He thought he was going to die."

"I did too, but I couldn't let him go like he asked me to." Phil glanced speculatively at Cat. "Did he tell you what happened later when the rescue chopper finally showed up?"

Cat searched her memories. "No, I don't believe so. What happened?"

Phil stared into her cup of tea then back up at Cat. "I uh...uh...punched him in the face."

Cat's startled reaction was priceless. "You did what?"

"I broke my hand on his jaw." She joined Cat and laughed about that incident.

"I never thought of using that technique on him. Straight and to the point...I'll have to remember that-next time I want to get a man's attention." Cat continued to quietly chuckle for several minutes afterwards.

Phil went on to relate how Ben tracked her and saved her life; how over the space of that summer he relentlessly pursued her; and how she finally admitted loving him. She related the soaring happiness she felt after his proposal; how it wiped out the bitter despair she had lived with knowing he was leaving her to return to Canada. And finally, she told of that seminar where she and Ben spent every free moment together. 

"You taught him well, Cat. He could play my body like...like his guitar. I never knew such feelings were possible. I think that's why I hated him so much after he left me. He taught me how to love and then took it all away from me. If it hadn't been for Lindy, I think I would have died." Phil's head lowered as her voice trailed off.

"Lindy?"

Phil turned startled eyes to Cat. Had she actually mentioned Lindy? She turned her head away and stared out into the darkness. She hadn't meant to do that. It had just slipped out.

"Who's Lindy?" Cat asked again.

Damn! Why couldn't Cat leave it alone? Why did she **have** to ask about her? Why did she **have** to ask about her daughter? Phil swallowed past the lump in her throat. "I'd rather not discuss her."

Quietly, Cat asked, "Does she have something to do with Ben?"

Of course she did. She was Ben's daughter but she couldn't discuss her with this complete stranger--no matter how well she knew Ben. Cat didn't need to know about Lindy.

Cat watched the expressions flit across Phil's face. Her intuition told her that this Lindy was the pivotal part of Phil's story and Phil wasn't going to tell it. Who was this Lindy? How did she play into this story? "Tell me about Lindy." She gently insisted.

Phil covered her face with her hands. "I can't, Cat. Don't ask me to."

Cat placed a hand on Phil's arm and drew her hand away from her face. "Why? Why won't you tell me about her? Who is she?"

Phil turned pain filled eyes to Cat. "Can't you just let it rest? You don't need to know about her."

"Probably not...but **you** need to talk about her." It was strange what her intuition sometimes told her. Had Phil found solace in the arms of another woman? Somehow that didn't feel right but just who in the hell was this mysterious Lindy?

Phil stared at Cat. For some reason she felt that Cat would understand what she had gone through--how that had affected her feelings towards Ben. She closed her eyes and summoned those precious memories of her daughter. Weariness enveloped her as she tried to concentrate. 

"Phil, open your eyes!" Cat said somewhat sharply.

"I'm all right, Cat." She drew in a deep breath and slowly exhaled it. "Before I tell you anything about Lindy, you have to promise me something."

"Within reason..."

"No, you have to promise me or I won't tell you anything," Phil demanded.

Cat studied Phil. Something was bothering her and it had to do with this Lindy. Maybe her first guess had been right. Maybe Phil and this Lindy had been lovers. "Tell me what it is you want me to promise and I'll make a decision then."

Surprisingly, Phil asked a question that threw Cat off balance. "You still maintain contact with Ben, don't you?"

"Yes, we correspond and occasionally we visit each other," Cat easily answered.

Phil lowered her head and murmured, "Promise me that whatever you hear from me you will not repeat to Ben. What I'm about to tell you goes no further than you. Ben must never know..." Her voice trailed off as she raised pleading eyes to Cat.

"If it won't hurt him not to know what you've said, I won't tell him. Is that good enough?" Ben **certainly** didn't need to know that his rejection had sent Phil into the arms of a woman.

"Not really, but I guess it will have to do. And since it hasn't hurt him in the 11 years that've past, I don't see how it could hurt him now. In fact, telling him **might** hurt him more." She gave a choked desperate laugh.

"I don't understand, Phil. Perhaps you'd best just tell me what it is you don't want him to know." Cat settled in to hear Phil's tale. After all, love came in many forms and from her own experience she knew that there was no armor against love.

Phil stared off into the darkness. She couldn't bring herself to look Cat in the face. In a voice barely above a whisper she said, "When Ben ended our engagement...I was five months pregnant."

Of all the things Cat had steeled herself to hear, this was not one of them. She choked on her sip of tea, spilling some down the front of her coat. She stared at Phil with stark realization in her eyes. Of course, it all made sense. Lindy had **not** been Phil's lover. True, she had been a solace for the loss of Ben's love, but as only a child could be. "Did Ben know?" Commiseration wrapped around her words.

Phil wearily shook her head. "I tried calling him but he never returned my calls and when I finally wrote him..." She paused and swallowed, "...he returned the letter and wrote me that he never wanted to see me again...that he'd fallen in love with another woman...with Victoria."

"And you did nothing?" This had puzzled Cat for many years.

"What could I do? I was so unsure of myself, I still doubted that Ben could really love me as much as he said and Victoria only reinforced my fears." Tears blinded her eyes and choked her voice. "I should have taken the first plane I could and hunted him down and made him tell me, face to face, that he didn't love me anymore--that he didn't want to have anything to do with me or his child. But I didn't. Dammit, Cat, I didn't! I let my fears keep me from the only man I ever loved." 

Cat quickly rose to her knees beside Phil and hugged her, holding her close, whispering words of comfort.

Phil clung to Cat's strength. All the pain and anguish she had harbored for all those years poured out of her. The sobs wracking her body jolted her ankle and the pain she felt only added to her misery. Soon the tidal wave of grief passed and she lay spent on the ground, Cat's comforting presence leaning over her.

Cat ran a hand across her face and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Phil. I never meant to cause you this pain."

Phil swallowed hard and bit back her tears. "I know that, Cat. You didn't know, just as Ben didn't know about his daughter."

"You had a daughter?" Cat asked as she settled back to sit beside Phil.

Phil nodded, a brief glow of happiness crossing her features. "I named her Melinda Caroline Fraser, after her grandmothers. I sent Ben a copy of her birth certificate shortly after she was born, but he sent it back unopened."

"Did you try to contact him after that?"

Phil closed her eyes, a pain squeezing her heart. "I wrote him one more letter. Lindy was only six months old..."

"And?" Cat prompted.

"The letter was returned; the same as the others. Ben never knew he had a daughter, and now he would never have a chance to hold her in his arms." Phil's voice lost inflection as her sight turned inward. "I hated him for that--for not being there to share her life and to share our loss..." Tears coursed down her cheeks once more.

A sick sensation settled into the region of Cat's heart. "What happened, Phil?"

Phil's voice droned in a monotone. It was the only way she could recite the events that had happened that dreadful day so many years ago. "SIDS. One night I put her to bed...I remember running my fingers through her wavy hair. She smiled at me and I could see Ben in her face." A wan smile flickered across Phil's face. "She had Ben's eyes." 

She swallowed the despair in her throat. "I don't know what it was but something woke me in the middle of the night. I went to check on Lindy and I found her..." A ragged sob escaped. "I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and I took her to the hospital, but she was already gone. I held my precious daughter in my arms and she was gone. She would never smile at me again...never say Mama...never..." Smothering a sob, she whispered brokenly, "I think I died that night, too."

Phil wiped the tears with the back of her hand smearing even more dirt across her face. "I don't remember much after that except my brothers being there for me. I remember the tears on their faces..." A glazed look of despair spread across her face. "They loved Lindy, too. But all I could think about was why Ben wasn't there for me." 

Phil finally looked at Cat. "It took me years to finally realize that it wasn't his fault that he hadn't been there for me. If I'd only gone after him, maybe things would be different now. I don't know, Cat. I guess I'll never know." She felt as hollow as her voice sounded.

Cat ached with the terrible anguish that Phil carried with her. She wasn't surprised to feel the tears on her own face. She ached for the pain this news would cause Ben because someday he **would** find out about Lindy. She had promised not to divulge what Phil had told her, but the knowledge would flavor any further contacts she had with Ben. _'How am I going to keep this from him?'_ she thought as she wiped at her tears.

"Cat?" The voice lacked strength.

"Yes, Phil?"

"You'll remember your promise? Ben is not to know about Lindy. He wasn't there when I needed him and I don't need him now. It's best that he never knows what happened after he ended our engagement." 

The bitterness in Phil's voice and attitude toward Ben made sense now. "I won't tell him, Phil. But someday **you** will tell him." Her intuition kicked in again.

"Maybe...if and when he finds out about Lindy it **will** be from me. No one else has that right." She shivered with more than just the chill and fatigue.

"I understand, Phil. He won't learn about her from me. I promise you that."

"Thank you, Cat." Phil lay quietly, her whole body engulfed in tides of weariness and despair. The tears continued to flow down her cheeks but she was too tired to wipe them away. 

Cat fished in the front of her shirt and came up with a silk handkerchief. She gently wiped the tears from Phil's face.

Phil felt drained, hollow, lifeless. She dug the heels of her hands into her eyes, needing to rest them. Surely that couldn't hurt anyone. She closed her eyes and even the rough shaking Cat gave her failed to rouse her. She slipped into the gentle warmth of the darkness that beckoned to her. Maybe she would hold Lindy in her arms again...maybe Ben would be there this time... maybe...

Cat shook Phil harder, but there was no response. She quickly removed the pack from under Phil's head and placed it beneath her feet. She stoked the fire then removed her coat and placed it over Phil's slender form. "Phil, wake up! You can't go to sleep now! Phil, Ben still loves you! Don't you give up on him now!" But Phil did not respond.

Cat stared at the night sky, praying that day would come quickly and Marchand's help with it. She checked Phil once more, no change. The most she could do now was keep her warm. It seemed like too little. She moistened her handkerchief and used it to clean the dirt from Phil's face. She fixed another pot of tea and settled down beside Phil's unconscious form and waited for morning to come.

Time seemed to drag and Cat caught herself dozing a couple of times. She stood and stretched then fed more wood into the fire. A quick glance at her watch told her that dawn was near. She turned to face the east and watched the sky lighten. 

Kneeling beside Phil, she checked her once more. Her pulse, although weak, was still steady and there were no indications of a fever. Cat breathed a sigh of relief. A sputtering caught her attention and she reached for her radio. "This is Sgt. Madden..."

"Sergeant...this is Marchand. I've been trying to reach you for a couple of hours--had to hike back in a ways. I've been able to relay a message through to a medivac unit. They'll come for you as soon as it's light. I've given them the approximate location but you'll need to keep watch for them and direct them to your precise location."

Relief swelled in her voice. "Thanks, Marchand. I'll see you get a commendation for this."

"It's just part of my job, Sir. How's Dr. McKenzie?"

Cat glanced down at the woman on the ground. "She slipped into unconsciousness several hours ago. Since then there's been no change."

"Understood. I'll wait for you at the hospital. Over and out."

"Over and out."

Cat anxiously waited for the medivac chopper to arrive. Half an hour passed...an hour...still no chopper. She had almost given up when she heard the unmistakable sounds of a helicopter approaching. Retrieving the flare gun she had removed from her pack, she aimed at the sky and pulled the trigger. Moments later the chopper circled above the small clearing and Cat cautiously approached the vehicle as it settled on the far side of the clearing.

"Watch out for mine shafts," she cautioned as two young men sprang from the chopper and approached her. She stood back as the two paramedics examined Phil and, finally, strapped her into a rescue cage. Cat gathered her pack, made sure the fire was dead, and climbed aboard the chopper. The flight back to civilization was short, but not short enough for Cat. Soon, however, Phil was whisked away into the bowels of the hospital.

* * *

Cat waited in the waiting room. There had been no news on Phil's condition. Not satisfied with sitting and waiting, she paced the room like a caged tiger. Marchand found her there. Todd Grayson accompanied him. It was through Dr. Grayson that Cat obtained Phil's brothers' addresses and phone numbers. She placed the calls that would bring Phil's family to her. But now, everyone was gone and Cat was alone.

"Sergeant Madden?"

Cat rounded on the voice, "Yes?" She recognized the doctor she had talked with earlier.

"Dr. McKenzie is doing fine. She's in no danger."

"How is she?"

"I'm sorry, but that's all I can tell you at this time. Perhaps when her family gets here they can fill you in on the particulars. Perhaps you should go home and get some rest."

Cat shook her head. She would not leave until she knew for sure that Phil would be okay. She owed it to Phil...she owed it to Ben. She owed it to herself...the past night of confidences had sealed a friendship that Cat didn't want to lose. 

The doctor smiled at her, "In that case, you might find these sofas make an acceptable substitute for a bed. I'll have a pillow and blanket brought out to you."

"Thank you kindly."

* * *

Cat slowly floated up out of the exhausted sleep she had finally found on the sofa in the waiting room. She opened her eyes and gazed into a face straight out of her dreams. "Excuse me, but are you Sgt. Catherine Madden?" the dream man asked her.

Cat stared at the man and finally found her tongue, "I'm Sgt. Madden. Do I know you?" If she didn't she sure wanted to. A flash of desire swept through her.

The man smiled, "No, I'm Tom McKenzie and..." he waved to the other man that had just entered her range of vision, "...this is my brother, Rob. We understand you were the one who found our sister, Phil."

"You're Phil's brothers?"

"Yes."

Cat scowled, Phil had some answering to do. She should have at least warned her that her brothers were drop dead gorgeous. "I'm sorry, you're not catching me at my best."

"Don't worry about that, Sgt. Madden, you're doing just fine." TJ smiled and stepped back as she swung her legs to the floor. He felt himself drawn to the woman he had just awakened. There was something about her that touched something in him he had thought long dead.

Cat sat on the side of the sofa, then stood, and stretched. "Have you talked to the doctors yet? They won't tell me anything!"

Rob answered, "I've had a good long chat with the doctor in charge of her case." He smiled, "I'm confident that Flip's in good hands."

TJ spoke up. "We wanted to talk to you...find out what really happened out there." 

Cat nodded. If it had been her sister, she would want to know what had happened, too.

Rob grasped TJ's shoulder. "I think our questions can wait until Sgt. Madden's had a bite to eat." He turned to Cat, "You look famished."

Cat smiled gratefully, "If I look half as hungry as I feel then I must look like I'm starving!"

Rob and TJ chuckled, "I don't know what the food is like here, but could we buy you a late lunch?"

"What happened to breakfast?"

"I think you probably slept through it."

Over lunch, Cat related the events of the past two days to the two men sitting across from her. Every once in a while she caught a speculative glance from the one called TJ. She sent a few his way as well. The other brother, Rob, was just as interesting but Cat had seen the wedding band on his hand.

Rob watched the glances passed back and forth between TJ and Cat. He smiled to himself. Maybe she was the one who could drag his brother out of his self-imposed exile. He sighed. Sometimes he despaired of either TJ or Phil finding the happiness he had with Beth. "I'll go and check on Phil..." he grinned as TJ and Cat continued their conversation seemingly without noticing him. He left them briefly to check on Phil, and then returned with the news that she was responding and had regained consciousness.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Rob. I didn't see you leave." TJ was flustered. His conversation with Cat had been engrossing and interesting. It was amazing just how much she knew about the Indigenous Nations and their artifacts. 

Rob smiled at TJ's confusion. "That's okay, TJ. I understand. Why talk to your boring brother when you can talk with Cat here?" He winked at Cat inviting her to share his teasing. Cat grinned back and returned the wink.

"We can visit Phil now." He spoke to Cat, "Would you care to join us?"

Cat nodded and walked with the two men to the elevator and then to Phil's room. She hung back as they entered the room allowing the two brothers a chance to approach their sister together. Both, in turn, leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead. The gentle pressure was enough to awaken Phil.

Phil drifted in that grey zone somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. She felt more at peace than she had in many years. She didn't want to leave the gentle softness of the grey zone, but the slight pressure on her forehead was enough to send her spiraling up to wakefulness. She slowly opened her eyes, not surprised to see TJ and Rob bending over her. She smiled weakly, "Hi, guys! What brings you here?"

"We had this report that our sister was wreaking havoc on the local population and we were needed to run herd on her." TJ joked with her.

Rob sent an exasperated stare in TJ's direction then smiled down on his sister, "The hospital called and said you were here and we were needed. Were we told wrong?" He gently smoothed the hair from her face.

Phil glanced around the room, "Well...this appears to be a hospital room and I'll always need you."

TJ sighed. "What are we going to do with you, Flip?"

"I really wish you'd stop scaring us like this!" Rob added.

"I'm sorry, but I honestly didn't plan this."

"We know, Flip. You just seem to attract trouble. Just you take care of yourself, you hear?" The worry was plain in TJ's voice.

Phil nodded her head, tears threatening. The love shared by the McKenzie siblings was a constant in her universe. She sought one of each of her brother's hands. Clasping them, she brought them to her lips and placed a kiss there. She smiled up at them and, in a voice choked by love, whispered, "I love you two."

Rob and TJ smiled down at her. "We know that, Flip. Just as we love you."

Phil closed her eyes. Opening them, she let her eyes rove about the room finally spying Cat standing by the door. "Cat? Are you still here?"

Cat watched the two brothers turn to regard her. She approached the bed and took one of Phil's hands in her own. "I couldn't leave until I was sure you were out of danger. Now that I'm sure, I can go home. But...I'll be back. We still have a lot to talk about!" She sent another glance at TJ before leaving. She liked the smile he sent her way.

* * *

Phil dug into the back of her closet and pulled out the file box that contained her memories of Ben. She settled on the floor beside the box stretching out her leg to ease the ache in her ankle. Just three more weeks and the cast could come off.

A tiny ball of black fur pounced on her foot. Phil reached for the kitten and hugged the tiny animal. The volume of the purr was remarkable considering the size of the kitten. Phil hugged Chance then set him back on the floor. Arching his spine, the kitten batted her hand then shot off in search of those illusive dust-bunnies he knew were there somewhere. Phil smiled and mentally thanked Cat and Bella for Chance. She loved that little fur-ball.

Returning to her task, Phil slid the key into the lock and the lid was carefully lifted. She stared down into the depths of the box and sighed. Cat was right. Talking about Ben and Lindy had helped get past the pain that their memories always brought.

She smiled and picked up the small notebook Cat gave her. She leafed through it and read again the articles inside it--articles about Ben and his accomplishments. A momentary shadow of regret passed through her heart. Cat told her about the circumstances surrounding the death of Bob Fraser. The notebook was a roundabout gift from Bob. For some reason, she felt good about having the notebook--as if Bob really wanted her to have it.

Phil smiled. Next time Caroline visited she would discuss it with her. She also wanted to tell Caroline that she had seen a picture of Bob on Cat's wall. She could understand Caroline's attraction, Bob was still a handsome man. "Must be where Ben got some of those good looks," Phil mused.

Phil also recalled Cat telling her about Becka's disappearance and how Ben had found her. Phil smiled at that news. She knew how close Ben and Becka were. Maybe someday she would get to meet the woman who had almost been her sister-in-law. She closed the notebook and placed it in the box with the rest of her memories of Ben Fraser and the love they once shared.

Cat had shared a poem with her. The last stanzas of the poem pretty well described her life since Ben left her. In a whisper, Phil recited the stanzas.

**__**

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

She could hear Cat chewing her out once more. "Now, Phil, don't let your life end up like this--with nothing to look forward to, nothing to enjoy, nothing to love. You've wallowed in self-pity long enough. It's time to start living again. Give yourself a second chance at life. You just might be surprised at what happens."

"Yeah, Cat I hear you," Phil thought fondly of the woman who had become her friend, "...and thanks for what you've done for TJ. You've given him that second chance, too." She shook her head, "I can't believe the change in him. I guess if he can put Noelle behind him, I can do the same with Ben."

Phil leaned back against the solid bulk of her bed. What did she feel now? More at peace with herself and her memories of Ben than she had ever been. Maybe she **could** go on with her life now. Maybe she **could** put his memories to rest. But, did she want to do that?

"Dammit, Cat. I wish I could believe what you told me. Does he really still love me? How can I really be sure? Do I even want to know that? You said I needed to own up to my feelings..." She hung her head, "I'm afraid to do that, Cat. What if I still love him? I've learned to live without him, but...what if I still love him?"

Cat offered to tell her where Ben was; but Phil had refused. She also asked Cat not to tell Ben where she was. Maybe someday she could face him. Maybe, but not today. If that day ever arrived, **she** would contact Cat and find out where Ben was. But, right now, she wasn't ready for that. Maybe she never would be...but that was in the future and no one knew what the future held. After all, nothing lasted forever.

To be continued (?)

 

Copyright May 1997 by SL Haas

Revised July 1999

Comments are welcome at 

durango@ionet.net

 

Nothing Lasts Forever

(Book 2 of the Ben and Phil Saga)

  1. Nothing Lasts Forever
  2. Of Second Chances by Carol Trendall
  3. Winter is Cold in America by Carol Trendall
  4. Lavender Memories
  5. Distractions by Carol Trendall
  6. No Aphrodisiac by Carol Trendall
  7. Life's Insanity by Carol Trendall
  8. Standing on the Edge by Carol Trendall
  9. Of Past Regrets and Future Fears by Carol Trendall
  10. A Summoning of Things Past
  11. Three Parts Dead
  12. A Job Well Done
  13. Touchstones of Character
  14. But For the Night
  15. Tangled Webs
  16. Suspicions
  17. Chasms of the Mind (with Carol Trendall)
  18. Outskirts by Carol Trendall



 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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